February 4th, 2007 (10:31 am)
current mood: thoughtful
Well shit. It's been a long time since I've written in here, but I suppose I've been avoiding it a little. *sigh*
Here, I've got all the time in the world, but I haven't really been trying to dig too deep into the thought bag. Anyhoo, I haven't been working since I quit the job. I love it. I love being financially secure enough to be able to take a couple of months off work and be okay.
I suppose once spring comes and it's warmer here in Minnesota, I'll get a little stir crazy and get the urge to get out and be productive, but right now, it's freezing out and I'm happy being a little mole holed up in my cozy little apartment being a homebody. =)
Things are going pretty well for me right now. I'm super proud of my babygirl. She's doing great in school and is happy with her friends and her music (baby daddy FINALLY brought her electric guitar over that he promised her for Christmas. Better late than never, I suppose!). I'm just happy about the person she's becoming as she grows up. She's just got the biggest heart in the whole wide world. She tells me sometimes about the kids at her school. I guess she considers herself one of the "nerds" because she's at the top of her classes and stuff, but I think she's happy with that. She likes being admired for her smarts instead of her attitude or reputation, like some of the other "popular kids", as she puts it. hehe. I adore that she has that in her.
She told me the other day about one of the other girls in her class who is "out". She is "like you, mom" and has a girlfriend. She said that some of the kids in her classes tease the girl and don't act real friendly to her, so sometimes, when the girl is alone, she will go and keep her company and try to befriend her. I just love that about her! She doesn't like other kids to feel lonely or rejected and always tries to be inclusive of everyone. She has such an open mind and a big heart. I told her how proud I am of her and that the girl in her class was admirable for being who she really is and not hiding her feelings. She seems to really understand how brave the girl is for being out and chancing the rejection of her peers. In reality, the girl will probably grow up happier for allowing herself the opportunities of affection from who she really desires it from, rather than hiding behind facades and conformity.
I suppose that's what kind of person she will grow up to be, having a gay mother. She hasn't ever really shown any hard feelings about me being out, although I'm sure she's had her moments. Especially with her having spent time with Grams. My moms always did have a much harder time accepting it. She tries to act all free spirited and shit, but for years after coming out, she would try to get me to meet the men she worked with, or point out who she thought was a good looking man and ask me what I thought of him. She would question me, "are you sure? Maybe, are you bisexual?" (blech @ bisexual!) But, I think after not really seeing me with a long term girlfriend gave her hope. Now, I've been with Tabby for two and one half years and it's finally started to sink in. LOL It was like before, she would know I was going out on dates with women or out to the gay bar for drag king shows, and she would roll her eyes and I think sit back and wait for this to pass. Now, she actually asks about Tabby and how she's doing, says things like, "you must really be in love with that woman, huh?" Well, yes, moms.
Speaking of my little lover... Things have been better lately. *cringes* I have some trust issues with her, which are completely understandable to me. Considering she's lied to me so much and kept things from me. I know some people roll their eyes at me and think I'm a fool for taking her back all the time. That hurts me because I dislike people's pity and discernment. I know that I judge myself too, at times. But, then again I think about us and I feel how important we are. To us, we are everything.
We have gone through a lot in our two and a half years. We've done a lot of shit with and to each other. There's been a bit of lying, cheating, deceit, abuse among other things. But, there's also been so much good things between us. She is my best friend. We're so close. We have so much fun together. Nobody in my life has made me laugh harder or made me so happy, aside from my daughter. I feel like she fulfills my family and my being. I've needed her all those years I was lonely and alone. Sometimes, I feel so quenched by her love and it's everything I need and want. That's when I'm the happiest.
But then again, it hurts to be betrayed by anybody, but when it's your best friend and lover, it hurts so much. Sometimes, I feel like I'm getting over the initial hurt and anger, but it hits me. When I'm reading over old LJ entries, or our old MySpace blogs, or emails, or just thinking back about certain times. I remember things being said or arguments we've had. And, it hits me again. The old hindsight thing. If only I knew then what I know now. I feel foolish and gullible. I feel angry again knowing things she said to me, like the nerve! I get mad because it's so hypocritical.
Sometimes, I get pessimistic and think, well, now I do know. What do I do with that? Give her another chance on the possibility that one day I'll look back at this time and think, "but you did know then what you didn't know before"? Errrrr! No. I love her. I want to be with her and give her a chance to change. She is so convincing. I know that she really does love me. She fucks up and does stupid things, but shit, I guess I do too. I'm not naive. I know what I put my heart into. Maybe I once was, and I have been gullible, easily deceived. But, like it's said, it takes two people to make a lie. One to lie and one to believe.
Well, it's also been said that belief and truth are not synonymous. Belief is the faith in something without actual proof. Truth is fact. I believe in her love. I believe that she has good intentions. I believe that her heart is all mine. I might have issues with her truth and honesty at times, but I do believe in her.
In the end, it's not her actions that hurt me that much, but the deception. I mean, acting a fool and flirting with girls on the internet isn't what's going to break us up. That's minuscule in comparison to the life she gives to me everyday. Yes, it fucken bothers me, and girls can be catty as fuck and throw shit in my face, but they're just simple faces online while I know that I'm the real person. I'm the real woman she loves in life and that's what matters. While there is no justification, there are degrees. So.
She frustrates me to all hell sometimes, but I do fucking love her. <3
She makes me laugh. I love that. =) Speaking of which, today is Superbowl Sunday. I LOVE IT! *claps* Even though she's rooting for the Colts. LOL She's so cute though. Trying to get into football because she knows I'm such a fan. One time, we were watching a game together, and she's curled up in my lap, trying to follow. I often take time to explain to her the rules and the haps. Why they made this or that call, etc. Well, this day, she says thoughtfully, "Lover? Why do they call it a third down conversation? I thought they were called huddles?"
Oh, my little honAy. I laughed so hard. It was so adorable. She was all inquisitive and serious. She thought they were just trying to be polite and call it something more appropriate. I explained to her that it said on the screen "conVERSION" not conversation. A huddle is still a huddle, but they are trying to convert yards into another first down. LOL
You see. Those are the little cute moments that I adore between us. The little stories that happen in a snap during any given day. We have millions of those. Giggle fits. Long nights of laying in bed in the darkness telling our stories and dreaming of our forever. Embarassing ourselves in front of each other and laughing at each other.
Anyhoot. I'm excited about the game tonight. *claps* I'm SO rooting for the Bears. NFC North! wo0t! Although, I know people feel sympathy for Tony Dungy and think he deserves it more, I disagree. I liked watching him coach the Buccs back in the day, and admire his style, and of course feel for his loss last year (his son was found dead by apparent suicide), but the way I'm rooting is the Bears!
Lovie Smith is a good coach and I liked him even back when he was a defensive coach for the Rams. Here, in three years with the Bears, he's led them to a place they haven't been since 1986. While, I'm not completely confident in Rex Grossman, I am hopefull that they can pull it off. Besides, Urlacher sure deserves it!
I know, I've been a lackluster fan this season. Could be because of all the changes in the Vikings franchise, or because of personal life changes. I don't know. But, while I'm still a die hard Vikings fan, I give my cheers to the NFC North. Being a Vikings fan, I've often criticized NFC North teams, but in all fairness, the Bears have done good this year. Hear, hear!
Now, if you're confused about who you're going to give your hurrahs for, here's a little linky dink from http://www.superbowl.com that may help you decide. http://playoffs.nfl.com/bandwagon/index.asp?entry=sbcompromogif
*snickers* It's just a little funny, but it's all good fun. Enjoy and watch the game tonight! Even if you're just in it for the commercials. =P
Now, I'm outtie. I got some relaxing in a hot tub to do. =)